Biblical Steps for Righteous Divorce
By Ron Jones, DMin
Published May 9, 2024 ©Titus Institute 2024
Scripture quotations are from the ESV Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version), © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Interpreting what God says about marriage and divorce is not an easy task. Sharing what one's interpretation of what God says about it is even more difficult in the light of so many differing views. Sincere and intelligent Christians have other interpretations which they feel best represents the Biblical evidence. I share mine to help Christians as best as I am able to do by God's grace.
In my previous articles, I discussed the marriage vows and how the marriage vows can be broken. In this article, I want to talk about what to do if you feel your spouse has broken or is breaking one of the four marriage vows.
Adultery is the Only Vow That Can Be Easily Seen As Violating the Marriage Covenant
When God was forming the nation of Israel, he gave them ten commandments to make clear his moral standard. One of the commandments was "You shall not commit adultery." That has not changed. Jesus reminded the Israelites of this in the Gospels.
If a husband or wife commits adultery by sharing in sexual intimacy with another person and it is discovered by the innocent spouse, that innocent spouse does not have to decide whether the guilty spouse has violated the marriage covenant. He or she has. The only decision is what the innocent spouse wants to do about it.
However, discerning whether the other vows have been broken are far more difficult to discern and requires careful thought and investigation. This is especially true because the couple most likely is having other problems in their marriage. Those problems can seem so big that one of the spouses or both spouses feel like a marriage vow has been broken when it has not been. Careful discernment it demanded. A lot is at stake.
Step 1: Start by Carefully Defining the Problem in Your Marriage.
This is important for two reasons. First, married couples need to distinguish between what behavior threatens to break the marriage vow and what behavior is difficult for a spouse to bear but does not threaten to break their marriage vows.
Conflict in marriage is inevitable when a man of a particular personality type and family background marrie s a woman of another personality type and family background. They each bring into their marriage differences. Their can be differences not only in their personalities and family backgrounds, but in their habits and preferences. All these can create conflict and can be very annoying to each spouse in a marriage. However, these kind of differences do not break the marriage vows even though at times it may feel like it. Specific extreme actions break the marriage vows as we have seen.
God has only provided divorce if the other spouse has broken a marriage vow. That's it. If your spouse is not breaking a marriage vow, divorce is not an option. However, there is still a lot you can do to get your marriage on track to being the blessing God wants it to be in your life.
Husbands and wives need to define the seriousness of the problems and conflicts in their marriage and their causes. This can be done by asking yourselves two questions. First, "Is this an issue of the violation of our marriage vows?" Second, "Is our main problem or conflict a result of male/female differences, personality differences, personal preference differences, value differences, or role confusion?"
In my counselling, I saw many Christians spouses that were so distraught over the main problems and conflicts they were having with their spouses that it was leading them to divorce their spouse. Because they did not understand the marriage vows, they could not distinguish between whether their spouses' behavior was violating the marriage vows or not, but they were allowing themselves to be led to divorce because of them. If they do not violate the marriage vows, then they need to turn away from that kind of thinking if they want to follow the Lord.
If their spouse is not violating the marriage vows, there is great hope that the marriage problems and conflicts can be dealt with in the Lord. Once the cause is identified as male/female differences, personality differences, personal preference differences, value differences, or role confusion. It is much easier to apply the Scriptures to those issues and solve the problems and conflicts.
Marriage counselling is important to consider in helping a couple struggling with too much conflict or one spouse believing the other spouse is falling into breaking a marriage vow if his or her actions continue unabated. Divorce is a serious life-changing action that will have consequences for the rest of both spouses lives and, if they have children, for their lives as well. It should not be undertaken just because the level of stress and emotion is high in a marriage. "I can't take this anymore. I've got to do something!" is not biblical reason for divorce. That "something" may be marriage counselling rather than divorce which can save the marriage. The trauma of divorce is great even if you are the one divorcing a guilty spouse. It must be entered into with careful and sober consideration, not with subjective emotion.
Step 2: Pray and Seek Advice from Others to Help You Discern Whether a Marriage Vow Has Been Broken.
Pray to God for wisdom to perceive what is really going on in your marriage. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." This wisdom refers to wisdom in trials to discern the best course of action according to God's Word. If you are having serious problems in your marriage, you are in a serious trial and need God's wisdom. You also need advice from godly people.
Proverbs 11:14 says, "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." The breaking of a marriage vow is a serious and extreme behavior by one spouse in the marriage and can easily be seen by the other spouse and others. It is not something that is uncertain and vague. For example, a husband who works a lot and does not spend time with his wife and children needs to be a better husband, but is not breaking a marriage vow. The husband who wants only to work and wants nothing to do with his wife and children when he is home is breaking a marriage vow. This could also be true of the wife. If you cannot seek a professional counselor, see a friend that has wisdom, not just one that will agree with you.
Step 3: Communicate With Your Spouse Before You Choose Divorce.
If a spouse has broken a marriage vow, he or she has committed a sin before God and the first step of Matthew 18:15 is to communicate with him or her what their sin is and how that is leading to divorce.
If your spouse has broken his or her vow through a one-time action such as adultery or committing a crime or moving out and you have chosen to seek a Biblical divorce and it is safe to do so, then communicate with your spouse and explain that you are Biblically divorcing him or her and explain what he or she did and which vow it has broken. Then go through with the divorce using the legal system of your state or country.
If you have an abusive spouse and you fear for your safety, then you should take the appropriate measures to ensure your safety by asking someone who can ensure your safety to go with you or communicate by letter or email. In extreme cases, you can designate someone to go in your place and notify the guilty spouse for you.
If your spouse is close to breaking a marriage vow by continually not fulfilling his or her responsibilities in marriage, you should go and declare to them that you feel that he or she is close to breaking his or her marriage vows. You should tell him or her what action is creating this situation and which vow it is breaking. It is important to Biblically warn your spouse to give him or her an opportunity to turn away from that action and turn toward fulfilling his or her marriage vows. If he or she does not respond and continues in the action, then you are free to let him or her know you are filing for divorce. Then file for divorce according to the laws of your state or country.
Are you obligated to divorce your spouse if he or she breaks a marriage vow? No.
No. You are free to re-establish the marriage covenant if the spouse asks for forgiveness and wants to stay married. If you choose to do that, you must commit yourself to genuinely forgive your spouse and rebuild the trust that you once had. It should not be half and half where you stay married, but hold it against your spouse reminding him or her whenever you are angry about what he or she did. It is your free choice to re-establish the marriage covenant and you must do it in a genuine way. It will take time to re-establish the trust, but you must commit to that. If you feel that you can no longer trust that person, you are free to divorce. The Lord will bless you whatever the decision you make.
