The Marriage Covenant and Divorce

By Ron Jones ©Titus Institute 2024

Interpreting what God says about marriage and divorce is not an easy task. Sharing what one's interpretation of what God says about it is even more difficult in the light of so many differing views. Sincere and intelligent Christians have other interpretations which they feel best represents the Biblical evidence. I share mine to help Christians as best as I am able to do by God's grace.

Breaking the Marriage Vows and Divorce Are Not the Same.

As we have seen, marriage is a covenant before God between a man and a woman to become husband and wife and fulfill the responsibilities God has given for them as husband and wife. It is a conditional faith agreement. Each person trusts the other person to fulfill the conditions of the covenant. Once a covenant is made it remains in effect as long as each fulfills their part of the agreement. When one breaks the covenant by no longer fulfilling one of the conditions (vows), the other person is free to dissolve the covenant. If the covenant is legal like the marriage covenant, it is dissolved legally by a divorce.

There are two ways the marriage covenant can be broken and dissolved. The first way is for a spouse to break the covenant by no longer choosing to fulfill one of the conditions and then that same spouse legally dissolves the covenant in divorce. The second way is for a spouse to break the covenant by no longer fulfilling one of the conditions, and, as a result, the other spouse legally dissolves the covenant in divorce. So, the spouse who dissolves the covenant is not necessarily the one who broke the covenant. Once a covenant is broken by one spouse, the other spouse must choose to dissolve the covenant by divorce or keep the covenant in effect.

The breaking of the covenant in this first way is what Jesus condemns in the Gospels, specifically divorcing one's spouse in order to marry someone else. When Jesus condemned divorce, he was not condemning righteous divorce, but unrighteous divorce. In Luke 16:18 Jesus said, "Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery."

Jesus was responding to the sinful practice of divorcing one's spouse in order to marry someone else. The phrase "divorces his wife and marries another" is all one action and refers to the unrighteous husband who divorces his wife to marry another woman. They felt justified in this because of a false interpretation of Deuteronomy 24:1-4 that was held at that time that merely giving a certificate of divorce to your wife was enough to qualify it as a righteous divorce.

Jesus says this practice is "committing adultery." Also, he refers to an unrighteous wife who is "divorced from her husband." This is not an innocent wife who has been divorced, but an unrighteous wife who has sought to be divorced from her husband in order to marry another man. In the ancient Jewish society, she could not seek a divorce on her own, but she could get her husband to divorce her. This is also unrighteous divorce which Jesus condemns. Jesus does not condemn righteous divorce.

It is so important to remember that the breaking of the marriage covenant and divorce, the legal dissolution of the marriage covenant, are not the same act in the eyes of God. The breaking of the marriage covenant is always sinful. Divorce, the legal dissolution of the marriage covenant, is only sinful when it is done by the spouse who broke the marriage covenant or is done to break the marriage covenant. Divorce by the innocent spouse who did not break the marriage covenant is not condemned by God in the Bible.

The nature and conditions of marriage as a sacred covenant are given by God when he formed the marriage covenant in Genesis 2. In Malachi 2 God calls marriage a covenant when Malachi calls a man's wife "your companion and your wife by covenant." This is very important for understanding God's view of divorce. The basis for Biblical divorce is the breaking of the marriage covenant by one spouse and the allowable divorce (dissolution of the marriage covenant) by the other spouse.

This, I believe, has caused most of the misunderstanding about divorce as revealed in the Bible. In Genesis 2:24, God gave marriage as a covenant and as a covenant expected us to understand that the breaking of the covenant and the legal dissolution of the covenant by divorce are two different actions.

The breaking of the vows of the marriage covenant is what God hates and divorcing one's spouse when the marriage covenant has not been broken by that spouse is unrighteous divorce and is the "divorce God hates." As we shall see, in Malachi 2 and Matthew 5 and 19 Jesus condemns the divorcing spouse because the divorcing spouse wanted to break the marriage covenant to marry someone else. This is the context of the Biblical prohibitions about divorce.

The interpretation that God hates all divorce, I believe, is one of the central misinterpretations of the Word of God concerning marriage and divorce along with the idea that Jesus was establishing adultery as the only justifiable reason for divorce. As we will see, Jesus condemned the Jewish men for divorcing their wives in order to marry other women as unrighteous divorce and adultery. He was not establishing the only justifiable reason for divorce.

Divorce done by the innocent spouse is righteous. That is why Joseph is called a righteous man even though he was going to divorce Mary when he thought she had broken their marriage covenant when she got pregnant (Matthew 1:19). God's intention is not to force an innocent spouse to stay in a marriage relationship when the other spouse has or is violating the marriage covenant. God is not glorified by a loveless joyless marriage. His desire is for couples to enjoy the blessings of the marriage covenant as they both fulfill their vows to each other.

The Marriage Vows are to be Made for a Lifetime.

As we have seen, on their wedding day, the bride and the groom stand before God and freely vow they will fulfill the conditions of the marriage covenant. The bride and the groom expect the other person to fulfill the conditions of marriage which we call "vows." The vows are sacred promises to fulfill the conditions of the marriage covenant. The conditions of the marriage covenant define what marriage is. If one of the conditions is not fulfilled, the couple is no longer functioning as a married couple.

In making this covenant the bride and groom are vowing that they will fulfill these vows for a lifetime in whatever circumstances they both find themselves in such as wealth or poverty, sickness or health, and happiness or sadness. Each one is vowing that he or she will never intentionally break these marriage vows thus breaking their marriage covenant. A vow is only broken if a spouse willingly and intentionally violates a vow or causes a circumstance where a vow is broken as a result. There may come a time that a spouse is unable to fulfill a vow due to sickness, a disability, military duty, or the like. When those circumstances occur, the covenant is not broken.

When these vows are made, the bride and groom are not promising that they will never divorce their spouse, but that they will never break their marriage vows. This is an important distinction. No man or woman would ever enter into a marriage covenant if the other person said that they weren't sure if they would be able to fulfill their vows over a lifetime. No spouse would agree to a covenant if he or she knew that the other spouse would not fulfill the marriage covenant. That would be foolish and against God's will. The vows for a lifetime are centered not in the issue of divorce, but in the issue of fulfilling the marriage vows and not breaking them.

The Four Marriage Vows Can Be Broken With or Without Divorce.

Breaking the First Vow Involves Physical Abandonment.

First vow: The bride and groom vow that they will live together forming their own family and sharing their lives together as husband and wife.

The bride and groom vow they will live together and share their lives together, communicating and encouraging each other on a daily basis. This vow is broken when either husband or wife refuse to live with the other spouse. If one spouse moves out of the house or forces the other spouse to move out of the house for no Biblically justifiable reason, that spouse is abandoning or deserting the other spouse even if he or she has no intention of filing for divorce. The abandoned spouse may biblically divorce him or her for breaking this vow if the guilty spouse doesn't file for divorce.

This vow is also broken when one spouse becomes addicted to alcohol or drugs and stubbornly refuses to get help thus abandoning his or her other spouse intellectually and emotionally with little or no communication between them on a daily basis for an extended period of time. Because of this they begin living separate lives. A spouse is not obligated before God to maintain a relationship that is no longer a relationship. This willful refusal to change by the addicted spouse breaks the marriage covenant.

Breaking the Second Vow Involves Sexual Abstinence or Immorality.

Second Vow: The bride and groom vow that they will share together in romantic and sexual intimacy as husband and wife to the exclusion of all others.

The bride and groom vow that they will share together regularly in romantic and sexual intimacy and all of its blessings and they will be faithful to each other, not sharing with anyone else in any romantic or sexual intimacy.

There are two ways that this vow is broken. The first way is the husband or wife refuses to have sex regularly with their spouse. Sexual intimacy should be a regular part of married life. Having sexual intercourse with each other is part of what defines the marriage relationship. People do not get married to be companions and roommates only. They get married to share together sexually and express their love for each other physically.

In 1 Corinthians 7:2-3, Paul says, "But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband." God's plan is that marriage be the fulfillment for our normal desire for sex as human beings so that we will not try to fulfill it outside of marriage.

Then Paul lays out a fundamental marriage "right" of each spouse that comes when the marriage covenant is made. 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, "For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." When a woman marries a man, she submits herself to fulfilling his sexual desires and he submits to hers as well. This means that they are to meet each other's sexual needs within a normal and reasonable pattern for human beings. This, of course, assumes there is no emotional or physical abuse in the marriage or health issues and no other vows being broken.

Then Paul puts up a fence that must not be crossed in the sexual lives of couples. They must not be apart sexually for any length of time not agreed upon by both spouses and even then, a time that is not too long even if they both agree. In 1 Corinthians 7:5 he writes, "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

So, in trying to understand when this vow is broken, the main question concerns frequency. In discussing frequency, each spouse's desire plays a big part. Of course, all normal desires because of our sin natures can become extreme and insatiable so this would have to do with the normal sexual desires of people in general. There is no hard and fast rule on how often is "normal" or "regular." Speaking about the frequency of sex in the lives of married American couples, USA Today states, "Once a week is a common baseline, experts say. That statistic depends slightly on age: 40- and 50-year-olds tend to fall around that baseline, while 20- to 30-year olds tend to average around twice a week."

(Bote, Joshua How Much Sex Should Couples Have? Here's What Experts Say USA Today.com https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2020/02/07/how-much-sex-should-couples-have/4680968002/)

Another issue is how spouses are treating each other in terms of the other marriage vows. If a spouse is not violating his or her vows, then the other spouse needs to be concerned about meeting the sexual needs of that spouse. If one spouse feels the other spouse is violating this vow, they have an obligation before God to talk about the concerns with his or her spouse and not just get angry or resentful and shut down. We need to give each other opportunities to change in this area before we do anything else.

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying. This is a very difficult area and I am trying to give some guidelines. This is not something that should be rushed. It must be carefully and prayerfully considered. There may be physical and psychological issues (the commitment to "for better or for worse") that create exceptions to this, but it is a marriage vow and must be discussed.

The married couple should seek to find a compromise in their sex lives that is genuinely agreeable to both spouses. Compromise is so important here, but each of the husband's and wife's needs (not wants) should be met as much as is possible. If there is an obstacle for one spouse making it difficult to have sex regularly, the other spouse needs to consider how he or she can help remove that obstacle. If this is a big problem in a marriage, I encourage the couple to seek counseling to help solve this problem before they break up over it.

The second way this vow is broken is when the husband or wife commits sexual immorality with another man or woman. Hebrews 13:4 says, "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." Any sexual behavior with another person other than one's spouse is "sexually immoral and adulterous." In this case, the vow is broken immediately. The innocent spouse will then have to decide what they want to do about it. They are obligated by God to forgive their spouse if he or she asks for forgiveness, but they are not obligated to remain in the marriage. The innocent spouse must choose if their trust is broken completely or if they can restore that trust. Each innocent spouse is free to decide for themselves. Some will decide to exercise their free choice as Joseph was going to do or they might decide to stay and attempt to restore the relationship. Either way, God will bless and provide for them.

Breaking the Third Vow Involves Physical, Mental or Emotional Abuse.

Third Vow: The bride and groom vow that they will sacrificially love each other, centered in a genuine care and concern for each other's welfare as husband and wife.

The bride and groom vow to show a genuine love, care, and concern for each other's welfare and value each other as husband and wife above all others. In Ephesians 5:25 Paul shares that husbands are to love their wives and in Titus 2:4, wives are to love their husbands. This vow is broken when a husband or wife abuses his or her spouse physically, mentally, or emotionally through words or actions, or allows others to abuse him or her without intervening to prevent it if possible. It is also broken when a spouse shows no concern for the welfare of the spouse and dominates and controls him or her through psychological intimidation, unreasonable demands and expectations, guilt, and the like.

Breaking the Fourth Vow Involves Deliberate Financial or Home Negligence.

Fourth Vow: The bride and groom vow that they will share together in supporting the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs of their family.

The bride and groom vow that they will work together to provide for their family the physical necessities of life and care for and nurture any children they may have. As we have seen, God has assigned primary responsibilities for the husband and wife in these two areas which are different. The husband is to be the primary financial provider for his wife and family. The wife is to be the primary home manager for her husband and family.

This vow is broken when a husband refuses to work and support his family with the basic necessities of life. If a husband becomes ill or disabled and is unable to work, he has not broken his marriage vow. That would be part of "for better or worse." This vow is broken when the husband refuses to work in order to provide for the needs of his family. This vow is broken when a father refuses to help his wife in caring for and nurturing the children. He makes his wife do everything and does not participate at all. By his actions, it is obvious he has no concern for his wife and children.

The wife can break this vow by refusing to take an active role in taking care of the home and raising the children. This is her God-given responsibility. She makes her husband do everything regarding the house and children and does not participate at all. She works long hours and shows no real concern for her husband and children.

Giving them these primary responsibilities does not mean that if a wife wants to work and help with the finances and the couple has children, she is headed for breaking this vow. As the husband's basic responsibility is met, he is to help care for and nurture the children and maintain the home. As the wife's basic responsibility is met, she can work to help financially to provide for the family if that is what the couple decides. However, if the wife works, the husband needs to pick up some of the responsibilities that she would have if she did not work.

These Biblical primary responsibilities are not given by God with a schedule of how many hours and how much energy is needed to accomplish them. It is up to the couple to decide how much time and energy it takes to accomplish these primary responsibilities and how they want to share together in accomplishing them. If this is a big problem in a marriage, I encourage the couple to seek counseling to help solve this problem before they break up over it.

Exercise Caution In Determining If Your Spouse Has Broken a Marriage Vow.

God has not described the breaking of marriage vows clearly in the Scriptures. I think this is because of the nature of a covenant or contract. In a contract, the conditions are clearly spelled out, but the conditions of breaking it are not. It is simply implied that if one of those entering the contract does not fulfill the conditions of the contract it is violated, the covenant promises are broken. There are many many ways a contract is broken that are easy to see and make a determination. However, there are many ways a person can break the contract or are close to breaking the contract that are not easy to determine.

The covenant of marriage is no different. Sometimes it is difficult for a spouse to determine whether the other spouse has actually violated a marriage vow. These statements above describing the breaking of the marriage vows demonstrate extreme behaviors to make it clear that breaking a marriage vow involves extreme negative behaviors on the part of one of the spouses. If this is the case, it will be easy for others close to you to see that this is serious and extreme and cannot go on. Because God has put a conscience in each human being, we all can recognize extreme behavior that violates the marriage covenant.

Seeking the advice of others whom you trust that can be objective is wise. Proverbs 11:14 says, "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.' Divorce is a serious action, but it is necessary when extreme actions are involved."

The Marriage Covenant Can be Violated Before It Begins.

The marriage covenant, like all covenants, must be entered into with honesty and integrity. If a prospective spouse does not reveal that he or she has been married before or has committed a serious crime, or some other serious matter that might cause their prospective spouse not to marry them, they have committed fraud when they entered the marriage covenant. For example, if a spouse finds out after they are married, that the week before their marriage, their prospective spouse had sexual relations with someone else and did not reveal it, then that guilty spouse entered the marriage covenant fraudulently. Since God does not recognize "annulment," but does provide righteous divorce, then the spouse who was defrauded may righteously dissolve the marriage covenant in divorce because the innocent spouse would never had married that person if he or she knew.

Also, the marriage covenant, like all covenants, must be entered into freely and willingly not under duress. If someone physically forces or psychologically manipulates someone into signing a contract with them that they would otherwise not sign, that is duress and invalidates a legal contract. The marriage covenant is the same. It must be entered into freely and willingly by each spouse.

We all recognize that a domineering person can often find another person that is easily manipulated and push them into doing things they do not want to do. This can happen with the marriage covenant. A domineering person can push another person into marrying him or her when he or she might not do that under normal circumstances. Since God does not recognize "annulment," but does provide righteous divorce, then the spouse who was under duress may legally dissolve the marriage covenant.

Legal Separation is Not a Biblical Option.

Nowhere in Scripture does it suggest that a married couple may legally separate from each other as a legitimate part of the marriage covenant. Legal separation is a couple staying married legally but living as if they were not married, that is, not fulfilling the marriage covenant any longer. God created the marriage covenant to be fulfilled, not just to exist. Legal Separation is founded upon the concept that God prefers a couple to stay married and not divorce even if it means not fulfilling the provisions of the marriage covenant. That is not true. God created the marriage covenant to be fulfilled by both spouses, not to be a covenant in name only. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that a married couple should not stay apart too long lest they be tempted to sexual sin. Legal separation not only is unacceptable because a couple violates all the vows by not performing them with each other, but it particularly opens up the couple to the temptation to adultery. That is not God's will.

Remarriage of the Innocent Spouse is Biblical and Blessed by God.

What about remarriage? Does the conditional marriage covenant in Genesis 2:24 imply anything about remarriage? When a covenant is dissolved or ended, that covenant and its provisions no longer exist. It is the same for the marriage covenant. When the marriage covenant is dissolved by divorce, that covenant is over. The innocent spouse is free to remarry.

One of the biggest misunderstandings of Christians is thinking that even though the marriage covenant is ended, somehow there is a bond that exists for life. The marriage bond is thought of as some type of spiritual bond that has a life of its own. The marriage bond is the bond between a husband and wife as long as the marriage covenant is intact. It is dissolved when the marriage covenant is dissolved in divorce.

Jesus did not condemn remarriage for the innocent spouse. In Matthew 5:32 Jesus speaks about marriage and divorce. The NIV is the best translation of the original Greek of Jesus' statement. It says, "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

Again as we saw previously, Jesus is not condemning righteous divorce, but unrighteous divorce which was the blatant sinful practice of the Jews. The men were divorcing their wives when they found someone else more suitable when their wives were innocent. In the NIV translation "makes her the victim of adultery" Jesus is saying that the husband who divorces his wife to marry someone else commits adultery against his wife, making her the victim of his sinful adulterous action. Jesus is focusing on the unrighteous husband's betrayal of his wife by divorcing her to marry another. Thus Jesus is making a powerful statement about the impact of the adulterous husband against his innocent wife.

Also, as in the previous statement, Jesus refers to an unrighteous wife who is "divorced from her husband." This is not an innocent wife who has been divorced, but an unrighteous wife who has sought to be divorced from her husband in order to marry another man. This is also unrighteous divorce which Jesus condemns. Both of these unrighteous spouses are committing adultery. Jesus says nothing about the innocent spouse. It is a given that he or she would be able to remarry.

Remarriage of the Guilty Spouse is Conditional as Revealed by God.

There is no question that marriage is a covenant in the eyes of God as Malachi clearly says. It is perfectly legitimate to then draw conclusions about the breaking and dissolution of the marriage covenant in a way that is consistent with covenants in general unless God reveals something else.

There is one exception where God has revealed something else. If a spouse breaks the marriage covenant and then divorces his or her spouse or breaks the marriage covenant by divorcing his or her spouse who has not broken a vow, then according to 1 Corinthians 7:10-12, they cannot remarry until certain conditions are fulfilled which have to do with the innocent spouse.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, "To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife." In this verse Paul is writing about the example of a wife who divorces or is divorced by her husband and the husband is the innocent spouse. She must remained unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.

This condition is only possible if the innocent husband has not remarried or died. If he has remarried or died, then she would not be guilty of this condition and she can remarry. This would also be true for the husband who divorced or is divorced by his innocent wife. His or her ability to remarry does not excuse the guilty spouse from breaking his or her marriage vows. If he or she wants to be reconciled before God, they still must repent of their sin and go to God for forgiveness.

If the guilty spouse goes ahead and marries someone else even though the innocent spouse is still alive and is single, it is out of God's will. However, God made the marriage covenant and it is still valid and recognized by God even though the particular marriage is not in his will. If the guilty spouse realizes he or she has been wrong for divorcing his or her spouse and then marrying someone else and seeks God's forgiveness, God will give it to him or her out of his grace and bless his or her marriage.

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